Monday, 3:54am, April 18

just came back from studying for the psychology final tomorrow, or rather, later today. haven't really studied so much in a long, long time. hmm maybe the fact that i've to score full marks on this final to get an A plays a big motivational role. incidentally that is what i am studying, actually; stress and social psych and motivation and all.

i was studying the chapter on emotions, and one of the topics was guilt; ahh, guilt, something which i am feeling now. yes, feeling guilty right now because i read my friend's blog even though it was specifically told to me that i should not read it. it's supposed to be private. i plead leniency, though; i stumbled upon the url and discovered it for myself. after that, i guess curiosity took over. confessing to it is not such a smart move, says pearl and esther, after i consulted them on my way home just now. what's done cannot be undone, and ignorance (or the facade of it) can perhaps tide the situation through. maybe i'm a fool to ignore their advice, but i think it's only right that i'm being honest. so once again, i'm sorry.

there's a chapter on human personality, with a portion dedicated to how humans seek relationships with other people. did you know that although people always say that familiarity breeds contempt, and that opposites attract, it has been proven that we often seek to be with those who are similar to us, in areas such as educational level, political views, social status, etc. i guess it's true. what you cannot agree with, you cannot possibly like. agree?

likewise, the book says that proximity and familiarity are the two most important factors in building a strong relationship. proximity here talks about how two people, if in constant i.e. daily contact with each other, has a higher chance of developing a relationship than two people who have to surmount a considerable physical distance. familiarity applies itself likewise. hmm this totally substantiates my argument that long-distance relationships tend to fail, i.e. because of the lack of proximity and familiarity because they do not see each other often. however, hongye, chuntat and some of the other people i know seem to defy such logic. i can only ponder, and hope that they are the rule rather than the exception to the rule. =)

was watching jerry maguire yesterday. yes, i watched it again. those who know me will know that it ranks as one of my favorite movies, alongside good will hunting, american history x, and shawshank redemption. anyways, something from the movie popped out and totally grabbed my attention: how jerry is supposedly incapable of being alone, and how he is great at friendships but lousy at intimacy. i guess that really applies to me too.

sometimes i think to myself: why do people make such grandeur plans about their futures, such lofty ambitions, yet fail to see the futility of it all? take me for example. here in am, in ann arbor, studying political science, hoping to do well enough so that when i return to serve the armed forces, i'll be given the opportunities that those deemed qualified (i.e. the scholars) will be provided. and maybe i do. maybe i'll serve till i am 45, and i retire with a great military career behind me. and maybe i enter politics, which is what i've wanted to do for some time now. at the end of the day, so what? so what if i've done all that? i've done nothing except to achieve my personal gains. to serve my own selfish motives. some of my friends enter the business school because that's "where the money is". likewise for engineering students. well, i'll like to see the day come where money buys anything other than more greed, more selfishness, more jealousy, and injustice in this world.

what about the things that truly matter? i look at my dad, and for all his accomplishments and failures, i think the only thing that he truly cares, and appreciates right now, is the fact that he has a happy family and a loving wife. that's all he can ask for, really. ditto my mother. and you know what? i'd give anything to be able to have what my dad has right now. i think that the only thing that really matters is to be able to find one person whom you'd want to dedicate your time, energy and efforts to. and i shall continue searching, i guess.

woke up yesterday morning to the chatterings of my floormates outside, along the corridor. guess what? they were talking about the orgy they had the night before. i was really surprised to find that there were girls joining in the conversation too. i was totally disgusted. first of all, how shameless do you have to be to broadcast your sex acts to everyone along the corridor? second, the girls sounded really proud that they did it with "three guys at the same time". wow, i never knew shame knew no bounds. it discovered a whole new meaning yesterday. just when i thought you couldn't go any lower. but hey, who am i to judge?

just some ramblings before i go to sleep. and yes, i should really rest now, considering its 4:41am already. ciao....