Thur, 2:43am, April 21

having trouble falling asleep lately. would find myself staying up till 5 am before the bed starts to look really inviting. what's wrong with me? i don't think its the stress. i've suffered from worse yet still be able to sleep soundly everynight.

this insomnia is good for me, though; i can see the ann arbor sunrise, which occurs at the ridiculous time of 6 am. i can see how the streets look like at 4 am in the morning, as i traverse from east hall to my room. i can finish studying for my philosophy exam (just did that). i can look at my roommate sleeping in a ridiculous position (he lies back and props his leg up on the other one; he looks more comfortable in an armchair than on a bed). i can hear all his dream-time mutterings; unfortunately its all in korean so i cant understand shit. i can see the look on the italian mama shop owner's face as i enter his shop at 5 in the bloody morning to buy some 3 musketeers (for all you ignorant fools, that is chocolate bar heaven). i get to chat to the poor police lady patrolling the dorms by the smoking area (which is basically anywhere outdoors). i can walk by the undergrad lib and see it still full at 4 am in the bloody morning (its finals week). i get to watch all the movies i downloaded because my brain stops functioning at 3 (so i cant study) but my eyes wont close till it's 5 (so i have 2 hours to watch anything i want).

i think 3 am is a very magically time. in fact, it brings about so many miracles. suddenly i see twice the number of people here at east hall. i can count 1 to 20 with my hands only (in multiples of 2 though... strange). everytime i walk to the toilet i'm amazed at the morphing tiles they have installed here. people ask me a question and i answer way too loudly because it seems i have to convince myself, and them, that i am awake. depth perception is gone too; i relieve myself and my feet feels wet. every snigger coming from the ladies from the next table sound like lucifer mocking me. when did legal pads come with criss-crossed lines? i forget that there are people around me and burp way too loudly. wait, actually i thought i suppressed it pretty well until people from the other end of the hall laughed. might be laughing at my unkempt hair instead of the burp. no one knows. still. i don't see very well because they're half-closed half the time because i'm yawning ( the other half is spent wiping the residual tears away... don't you jus hate that?)

the light at the end of the tunnel comes from an oncoming train.

wow, that is, by the way, my favorite pessimistic, scared shitless perspective of the world.

anyway, i dunno whether you've watched kevin james' stand up routine, "sweat the small stuff" (i will be putting in on my webspace soon), but its bloody, bloody excruciatingly funny. highly recommend that you watch it. anyway, here's a list of things that i "sweat" about too....

1. that i may just fart in my sleep without me knowing, and that my roommate may just happen to have filmed it all and post it on the internet
2. saying hi to someone and realising you really shouldn't have said hi in the first place because there's absolutely nothing to talk about after 'hi'
3. same as scenario 2, only that it happens in a bloody lift going to the 50th floor.
4. when someone says "come again" after i say something. it might perhaps be due to the fact that the guy did not clear his bloody ears and can't hear shit, but i'd always be conscious on my un-american way of speaking and end up changing the subject altogether.

ok, i have more to say, but everyone else is going home, so i shall follow suit. continue later.