back to good, really

hello blog, it's been eons since i last updated here. maybe i haven't had the time, nor the energy, to write here; maybe nothing interesting happened that is woth writing here about. the story of you has been the story of every one of my friends so far.

i kind of had an epiphany last night. i call it a jerry mcguire moment. it's a moment when you realise that the cosy cocoon that you surround yourself in is really nothing. like the egg shell that is insubstantial and cracks at the merest instance of pressure. jerry broke down, grew a conscience, and wrote a memo. i'm not that great; i'm just going to confide my feelings in you.

confiding my feelings in someone; that's the greatest oxymoron in my life, if there ever is one. i guess i kind of knew it subconsciously all along, but it took these words from my friend through our conversation last night to really start me thinking:

you're a guy people like around, but they would never want you as a good friend or good boyfriend even, because you always seem so aloof, and never really seem like you want to commit into any friendships/relationships. you want ppl to like you, and they do, but you end up alienating the close friends you had because of your need to be nice to everyone else.

ouch, you say. strong words, but i value these words because i think they are really true. that's why i say that your story has been the story of all my friends; at first you're novel, and i put in a lot of effort in you. i write a lot of funny stories and anecdotes because i want you, and everyone else, to think that i'm funny, and thus like me. i got bored of you after a while, when i thought nothing interesting could happen again, and chucked you to rot in cyberspace. i never made the effort to come back to see how you were, and caused your flooble chatterbox to expire. and now i come crying back to you, expecting you to take me back when i finally realise that i've done you wrong, but you've moved on in your life and i realise i've lost forever a close friend that i once had.

yes, i have an intense need to be liked by everyone. i guess it stemmed from how i was brought up; i was the top boy in my pri school for 6 whole years. teachers and classmates liked me; it seemed i could do no wrong. throughout secondary school and junior college i'm the one person in class who would straddle the two factions in the class, out of my need to be liked by people from both sides and not antagonise anyone, and i end up not being close friends with anyone from any side because of my bipartisan behavior. back home, i guess i was pampered more by my parents than my sister because i've done better in my studies and life thus far. i hate to hear when anyone has anything against me; there's this pristine image that i have to upkeep of myself. in crowds i must be the funny guy, the guy everyone says hi to, but no one knows anything that's going on in his mind because his imperfections cannot be revealed.

i've had people whom i was close to in my life before; eddie, kangming, wilson and boon hooi during my secondary school days. ray, kenneth and zongbo as well. chun hao, murli, devan and kenneth from the nj soccer team. adeline, leo yun and emily from first 3 months in njc. kian yong and jason from 99s14. chongmeng and chun kiat and the gcb bunch. dexter. my brother alvin koh. even peilan, shujun and weiqiang from pri sch days. amelia from our 2 yr relationship. ellyn, who is someone i can always talk to. my buddy xi qian, and louis from ocs. and here in michigan, i'm glad to say that i've a brother in tommy. and a good friend in hongye and jiaying. these are people that i've shared good memories with, and at times been confident enough to reveal some of my vulnerabilities. i considered them very good friends, but somehow along the way, through no fault of theirs, we always drifted apart. it has always been my fault; everything i move to a new environment, like from secondary sch to jc, or from singapore to michigan, i've always been too engrossed in the new ppl and the new things that i've neglected the people whom i've been close with before. before long, it's too late to recover anything from the friendship. close friends drifting apart to mere platonic friends. that's something that you can never click "undo" and return to old ways. like adeline told me last night, i can always go on like that, and maybe have a lot of "surface" friends in the future, or get down and dirty and really do something about the people i care about. i never commit in a friendship or relationship. it's just like how i broke up with amelia because the last one and a half years of our relationship was a torture to her because i simply took her for granted. or the other girls that i've dated since then who eventually saw through who i really am, this person who's so defensive about his image that he reveals nothing about himself, that they decided on the better option of not being with me.

i am really thankful for all that adeline told me last night. the 1 1/2 hour conversation really tore me apart because a close friend really bothered to tell me what's wrong with me. some ppl go through their whole lives without anyone bothering to tell them their mistakes/flaws. at the age of 23, i guess it's really not too late to do anything about this. all i really want is to get things back to good, and for good this time.