"just close your eyes and try to sleep"

Listening to “this year’s love” now. You’d be familiar with this song if you’d watched “Wimbeldon” or “the Girl next Door”. Lovely song. David Gray’s voice is just so haunting, especially when you’re sitting in your living room all by yourself, with not a soul awake at the unearthly hour of 6:30 am, with all the lights off and the television screening soccer matches on mute.

Woke up early to pick up Chun Tat and Chengyi from the airport at 5:30 am just now. Just as I was dropping Chengyi off at his place, and ready to drive home, Sarah Mclachlan’s “Angel” started playing on my car stereo. “Angel” of the movie “City of Angels” fame. Ahh… Heather (name of my car). I think she knows me inside and out; how else would she play the song that mirrored the exact emotions running within at that very moment? A huge lump developed somewhere down my throat as I fought back a potentially embarrassing moment. Composure prevailed.

Can’t fall back to sleep, even though I probably slept a grand 2 hours just now. Weird, considering I was so excited about the new pillow that I treated myself to for the new year earlier yesterday. I really should be sleeping now; only in my sleep will dreams ensue, and only in my dreams will I stop thinking so much and actually be living out the fantasies in my mind.

Not all dreams belong to the happy, blissful type; there are the ones that involve such dire scenarios that I would wake up with tears in my eyes, sobbing away without the slightest clue why I’m crying at all, with the only thing that I know being that the sadness residing in my mind is so overwhelming, so torrid is the current of ill-feeling that the tears, the sobbing upon wakening seem the most natural thing to be doing. I hate that I can never remember any of the dreams, or nightmares, that I have had. I never had a clue about why I would wake up crying. I wish I can remember those dreams; it would be a tangible way of dealing with repressed emotions that I never exhibit during the daytime. Perhaps I live through these emotions in my sub-conscious in my dreams, in order to avoid dealing with the pain should I live experience them consciously. Well, if that is the mechanism with which I deal with hurt, then why am I not sleeping now? If sleep could take the possibility of feeling so hurt now, and allow me to deal with these feelings only in the comfort of my dreams, and the tears upon awakening being the antidote to all ill-feeling, then I really hope the powers-that-be let me sleep right now. Let me sleep a peaceful, deep sleep now and deal with these feelings solely in my dreams, for I don’t ever want to face them again.