CAPM model. APT. Semi-strong efficiency. beta is the stocks sensitivity to the market. market wide risk factors. market index measures market timing risk. i am sick of Financial Economics already.

find myself again awake at this early hour in an effort to finish studying for my ECON 435 midterm later. Honestly, what was, at the beginning of the semester, positively my most interesting class has degenerated into an absurd waste of time. Nothing much can be attributed to the course material, just the professor's insistence on making me blur and confused every lecture. The fact that i did pretty badly for the first mid-term does NOT, i say again, DOES NOT, contribute to that at all. Hiakz.

so many things to re-evaluate, so many things to reflect these few days/weeks. at the core of this pandemonia is the crucial question: who are you jiayong? what are you? you are so many different things to so many different ppl, its hard to find out what the inner-most layer of the onion is. sometimes you are the cheerful, happy go lucky type (as evidenced by your crazy antics at Pearl's surprise party). other times find you sad and depressed, about many things in life, some deserving attention, others being just a figment of your imagination. Many more times reveal your side that listens attentively to a cherished person tell you all about her dilemma of accepting some other guy or not, a side that wants the best for the person, but at the same time bashing yourself up inside because the dilemma is not, after all, you. You want to do all the things in the world for this person, but at the same time you find yourself thinking "fuck why am i doign this to myself? i always put myself in a position to hurt myself." Other instances find you screwing around with other people's relationships, and destroying friendships along the way. At times you dream, of wanting to effect change in this world, of learning about politics and wanting to solve all problems, of joining the Peace Corps someday, of being an humanitarian aid worker somewhere for the rest of your life. other times you want to go back to the SAF and work your way to the top, to prove that farmers like yourself can be successful too. fuck the SAFOS and SMSs, you are also cream of the crop. Other times you want to break free from all these, and indulge in the fantasies of your b-sch friends, dreaming of making tons and tons of money, partly to help your parents, but mainly to satisfy your deep-lying greed for the good things in life.

an onion scarcely has this many layers. so many dreams, so many sentiments, so many thoughts. you really do come across as a deeply confused, or as Heng puts it, very angstly. sometimes you wish to crawl into a hole and not have a care in the world, not have anything to do with anyone, but the other side of you, the side that craves human company, that craves emotional connections, wrecks you inside like a disease eating a man hollow.

"you'll be strong, you'll be rich in love, you'll carry on, but no, you won't be mine."